At this moment I am 3 hours away from my first midwife appointment. I am 12 weeks 1 day. There are a million things running through my mind and I'm excited and nervous. Maybe I'm being silly being so about my very first appointment with my third child, but this is different. This time its a midwife. This time I've had 2 prior cesareans and am considered higher risk and I have to think about and prepare for things that non cesarean and non VBAC women don't necessarily have to think about. This time we are paying a very large amount of money out of pocket and we still aren't sure where all of it will come from and how we will work it into the budget. This time is different, and I'm nervous.
My husband and I have talked about this and the risks and his fears and concerns. We will surely talk about it more in the coming months. We will have to 'explain' to our families (once we tell them) and my husbands sister is a surgical nurse and will NOT understand to approve of our decision. Not the we need her approval, but I don't like having to defend myself and the decisions I have the right to make just because she wouldn't make the same decisions. There is just so much to think about and consider and be nervous about. This is uncharted territory for me and I will confess to fear and even lack of confidence. All the what ifs are right there. All the people who won't be supportive or there to believe in me are taunting me in my mind. I know. I know that I HAVE TO get past that and move that mountain out of my way. I know that and I intend to work on it, but right now it is still looming in front of me. I want this VBA2C. I need it. It will take a lot off our plate if I can have a vaginal delivery with a quick recovery with this baby. Being laid up after surgery and not being able to pick up my two older kids will be impossible for me. There is no possible way my husband can take off enough time to help me out if I have a cesarean. We have nobody else who could help me either. I need this VBA2C. I am officially on the path. I hope and pray that I remain low risk in every other way with no complications. I hope there are no potholes or boulders on this path that could derail my plans. I hope and pray that I am strong enough.