"Failed VBAC"

I got my medical records yesterday.  I requested them a couple of weeks ago from the clinic where I was seen throughout my first two pregnancies.  I was surprised at the large stack of stuff I got, but there wasn't any information in there that was new or surprising really.  The OB had made various notes during my second pregnancy about 'patient desires vbac' and how he had counselled me on the risks and benefits of a vbac. Mostly the risks and repeatedly on the 'chance of rupture'.  Don't get me wrong, the OB is a great one and he was very supportive and mentioned that the risk is only 1% higher for rupture as compared to a first time pregnancy. But is was interesting to look through all the paperwork and look at all the test results of all the blood tests I underwent.  I was in a groove and had a good pace going in looking through everything beginning with the infertility before we conceived our daughter and the procedures and tests we went through to figure that out.  Then the pregnancy when we finally got pregnant including the sudden bleeding at 17 weeks and how the ER doctor told us we had a 50% chance of losing our baby and diagnosed me with placenta previa.  I had to wait 2 weeks to find out from my OB that is a subchorionic hemorrhage and that everything was fine. All of this I knew and read over with relative ease.  And then I got to my second pregnancy, specifically the birth.

'Failed VBAC', 'Failed attempted vbac' or some variation of those words appear repeatedly on the pages. It describes my 'failure to progress', and that they couldn't use augmentation methods due to my previous cesarean.  I knew this too, of course.  I still have a lot of regret over not staying stronger for longer to wait it out.  I could have done it.  I should have done it.  Then I wouldn't be where I am now.  I would have a chance now, if only I had persevered last time. Its already hard when you internally feel like a failure and weak because I caved in to the pressure and negativity being thrown at me by the medical staff.  But nobody forced me to make that call.  Yes, they mentioned it every single time someone walked into the room, but they didn't make me do it, I could have said no.  I did many times, but that last time I didn't. I failed.  I failed because 'they' failed me.  Because they wanted me to fail.  They expected me to fail and did absolutely nothing to help me not fail.  None of those people working there that day, on Good Friday, were there for me.  None of them wanted to be there and none of them wanted to wait for my baby to be born on his terms.  So I failed. I am a failed VBAC patient.   Now because of the '2' added to VBA2C, I will have to fight twice as hard (if not harder) for what I want for me and my baby.  Because I failed last time.